Skiisms

Disclaimer - I hate to post this here but I must. These Skiisms are not my creation. They were sent to me by a friend that knows my "fanatisism" for skiing. I do not know the origin of these but would like to so I could give credit where it is do. If anyone reading these knows where they started please let me know so I can give the "ski nut" his or her due.

Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.

Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.

Pretend you are looking for your car.

Sporadically drop things.

Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger.

Be sure you are in the longest line.

Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face.

Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.

A Skier's Dictionary

Condensed from "Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary" by Henry Bread and Roy McKie

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What's Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, propelling the skier forward at a much faster rate, and sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Nord.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:
* Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.
* When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Nord: Skier who tends to do things the hard way. Often identified by skinny skis, snowy exterior, antler hat, and a jolly disposition despite trekking 50 kilometers in a hailstorm.

Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.

"That's it."

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