In this aqe of shaped skis the traditional straight bump ski has become a thing of the past. You are going to have to bump ski in a ski designed to carve and not skid turns yet bump skiing demands skidding. What's a "bumper" to do? Get a short (I emphasize the short here, I mean at least 20 centimeters less than your old straight skis, even more if you have been macho about ski length) shaped ski that does not have a radical side cut and a wide tail. What's this all mean? I will put you to sleep trying to explain it so go to a ski shop with truly qualified technicians and tell them you want a shaped ski for the bumps. Shorten your poles by and inch or two (these shorter poles will help you keep your weight forward).

If you love skiing and want to ski bumps you have probably watched Johnny Mosely and the World Cup bumpers on TV and may have even seen them at a ski mountain. I have watched them in person for years at Whiteface and it has never helped me a bit so forget about what they do and what they say. They are world class athletes that grew up on skis. You are not, but you can become a graceful expert bump skier that the other "reck" (recreational) skiers will envy. Here's how to do it.

A scary list:

Think two footed skiing, skis together, two edges to four edges to two edges, start tall, allow your knees to come up to your upper body by relaxing as you come up on the bump, relax, ski light, skid and steer, tips down, upper body facing down the hill, ski the tops of the bumps, ski the ridges between the bumps, turn on the tops of the bumps, turn on the ridges between the bumps, stay out of the zipper (the f@#$%^& troughs), look left and right for the best place to turn, absolutely control your speed. Is that all there is to it? I can't understand why I am having a problem.

That is a scary list of things to have to do all at the same time as your are working your way through a mogul field. Actually it's impossible to learn all these skills in a mogul field so don't even try. Practice and learn these skills on terrain you can handle.

A bunch of crap you've been told that doesn't work i.e. a list to love:

Ski the zipper, plan your line, skidding is poor technique, if your weight is back you are a "goner", keep your knees bent, transfer your weight to the downhill ski, your too old to ski the bumps, bump skiing will ruin your knees and back, bump skiers are not really good technical skiers.

Let's start with keeping your feet together and edging. You may have heard that you must keep a shaped ski on its edge and never ski a flat ski. That is a total lie. You can and must ski a flat ski in order to skid any ski. This is even more necessary with a shaped ski so practice skiing a flat ski. I know the ski shops, ski technicians, and ski manufacturers are obsessed with telling you to keep your weight forward and tip the ski in the direction of the turn. Yes that works wonderfully well in making a carved turn. Well forget about carved turns in the bumps, skidding your skis is okay, you are not in an Olympic Alpine Race Course so skidding is okay. Also forget about being obsessed with engaging the turning edge. Remember start with your feet together boots touching each other. Release your down hill edges by tipping your skis in the direction of your new turn. When you have gone from your two down hill ski edges engaging the snow too all four edges being on the snow (i.e. you now have a flat ski) stop tipping your skis and start steering your skis by twisting them in the direction of the turn. Concentrate on keeping you tips pointing down while doing this. I know this is different from my other instructions but you must learn to ski two footed, with your skis together to ski the bumps. To get used to doing this practice on a groomed gradual slope. Than move to a steeper slope and practice this. First one turn at a time, stopping after each turn, than linking your turns together. Get used to skiing with your feet together and skiing a flat ski through the turn.

You must learn to relax you legs as you ski up on a bump. To get used to this start by skiing over a bump and not turning your skis. Find a bump to your left or right. Feet together start skiing with your legs extended (i.e. stand tall). Traverse to the bump and as your skis run up on the bump relax your legs and let your knees flex. This is very difficult for some to do and if you find it impossible to relax your legs than deliberately lift your skis up as you move over the bump. Pull your skis right of the snow, think "light" (I'm back to manta use) as you move over the mogul. You also want to point your tips down while doing this. This can be confusing as your are trying to let your knees come up while pointing you ski tips down. To simplify this I have found that as I lift my skis up I think of just lifting the ski tales up. This allows your knees to bend as you come up on the bump but keeps your ski tips pointing down. Am I giving you analysis paralysis? Find another bump and try it again, and again, and etc. Once you get it, and you will, it's time to combine this with some two-footed flat ski skidding. Whooho what did I just say? Two footed flat ski skidding. I believe that's some serious alliteration and bump skiing has turned me into a poet. A Pulitzer Prize is just around the corner for me, who needs bump skiing anyway?

Okay enough literary fantasy already. I am a man possessed and obsessed with skiing. I do not want to be a one-dimensional skier, if you are reading this you don't want to be a "one turn" skier either. Back to the bumps. Wasn't that a sentence with two words beginning with a "B" or another alliteration? God I need help, I'm over half a century old (thirty nine actually, just like Jack Benny) and I have ADD.

Find a bump-filled slope. Ski up onto the top of one of these bumps. Stand tall; visualize yourself making one turn. Lock your feet together, flatten your skis, pressure the tips and steer your skis in the direction of the turn. As your skis move up on the next bump relax your legs, lift the tails of your skis and skid up onto the next bump and stop. Repeat in the opposite direction. Repeat but continue without coming to a complete stop. Try two bumps than three. Try and not let the terrain intimidate you. Take it as it comes but if it looks overwhelming relax and skid or traverse over the next bump or two and seek the easiest way down. That's okay. Remember how you skied outside of the bumps. You check the terrain and look for the best way down. Out of the bumps you avoid ice, crud, ruts, trees, rocks and all obstacles. Do the same n the bumps. As you become more comfortable with the bumps less will intimidate you and you will avoid less but always seek the best way down. Often you will see ridges between bumps. This is a trough that is partially filled in with snow. Make that a place to aim for. Ski the easy way down, stay relaxed, and control your speed, control you speed, that was not a stutter, control you speed. Keep your feet together, flatten your skis, steer the flat ski by skidding, relax you legs, lift you ski tails, remember the basics (i.e. hands out in front, gently plant your poles before the turn with a flick of your wrist, and do not be discouraged or disheartened by those who try and talk you out of the bumps. Skiing is not a race to the bottom; it's a learning experience. You will never master this sport, there is always something to learn, if there were a perfect skier he or she would own all the gold medals to all the Olympic Alpine events. Jean-Claude Killy came closer too doing that than anyone. He did win all the Alpine medals in the 1968 Games. There were only three events back than and Jean-Claude remained humble after his incredible accomplishment. So should you. Practice, learn, love this sport and refuse to buy into much of the so called wisdom you encounter in a day on the mountain.

If I'm serious about a Pulitzer I'm going to have to learn some onomatopoeia. I may become the perfect poet. Is that more alliteration or what?

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Blow up you computer with a boom - just kidding but I think that was an onomatopoeia.