Philosophy

"I saw men whom thirty years had changed but slightly; but their wives were old. These were good women; it is very wearing to be good."

"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get."

"Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned."

“The difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning-bug,”

"One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives."

"Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain."

"There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages."

"The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."

"My kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its office-holders."

Paraphrased: At the age of twelve a boy begins to imitate a man, he continues to do so for the rest of his life.

"All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."

"Against the assault of laughter nothing can withstand."

"Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century."

"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakable precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them."

"Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody,"

"Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied."

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may exist, but you have ceased to live."

"Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise and I know they are dangerous. Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me now I would go to that man and take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet retired spot and kill him."

"When in doubt, tell the truth."

"By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean."

"We all do no end of feeling, and we mistake it for thinking."

"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."

"Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest."

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have someone to divide it with."

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear,"

"It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good -- and less trouble."

"The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet."

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except congress."

"I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse."

"Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it."

"In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination."

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."

"There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life that he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure."

"Let your sympathies and your compassion be always with the underdog in the fight -- this is magnanimity; but bet on the other one -- this is business."

"Where prejudice exists it always discolors our thoughts."

"Be respectful to your superiors. If you have any."

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

"When angry count to four, when very angry, swear."

"Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad."

"... as far as being on the verge of being a sick man. I don't take any stock in that in that. I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it's never happened yet."

"The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious gift - what there is of it."

"Chastity - you can carry it to far." "

"There has been only one Christian. They caught him and cruified him - early."

"A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and is turned out for what he knows."

"Congress...the smallest minds and the selfishist souls and the cowardliest hearts that God makes."

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress . But I repeat myself."

"All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity."

"Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead."

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."

"Faith is believing what you know ain't so."

"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."

"Familiarity breeds comtempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little oppertunity to get familiar with it."

"It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him."

"Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you the oppertunity to commit more."

"A sincere compliment is always grateful to a lady, so long as you don't try and knock her down with it."

"Forget and forgive. This is not difficult, when properly understood. It means you are to forget inconveniemt duties, and forgive yourself for forgetting. In time, by rigid practice and stern determination, it comes easy."

"Fortune knocks at every man's door once in a life, but in a good many cases the man is in a neighboring saloon and does not hear her."

"Frankness is a jewel, only the young can afford it."

"Beauty is only skin deep. But ah! me; freckles go to the bone."

"Be good and you will be lonesome."

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

"A heart is the real fountain of youth."

"What a man misses mostly in heaven is company."

"One learns peoples through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect."

"Honest is the best policy - when there is money in it."

"Yes even I am dishonest. Not in many ways, Forty-one, I think it is."

"There is a great deal of human nature in people."

"The human race consists of the dangerously insane and such as are not."

"Damn these human beings; if I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag."

"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing."

"The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

"There are several good protections against temptation but the surest is cowardice."

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

"Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work."

"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform."

"I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey."

"Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has True Religion-several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight."

"It is best to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

"The institution of royalty in any form is an insult to the human race."

"All our acts, reasoned and unreasoned, are selfish."

"What, sir, would the people of the earth be without women? They would be scarce, sir,almighty scarce."

"A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom when he can no longer be led by the nose."

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

"Work like you don’t need the money.
Dance like no one is watching.
And love like you’ve never been hurt."

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like and do what you’d druther not."

"I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won’t."

"We can secure other people’s approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it."

"History, although sometimes made up of the few acts of the great, is more often shaped by the many acts of the small."

"The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."

"Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul."

"It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog."

"Warm summer sun, shine kindly here;
Warm southern wind, blow softly here;
Green sod above, lie light, lie light-
Good night, dear heart, good-night, good-night."

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